Woo Hoo it was a Monday!

It was actually not all bad, but the feelings of loneliness and inadequacy were rampant.

I don't feel like I have been able to do any thing right. My weight is bothering me, and the more it bothers me, the less I do about it. I don't want to be this way, and the only person that can change it is me. As soon as I can figure out how to make it to the gym again, I'm going to go. They won't keep the kids in the kid area if they cry incessantly. The girls do pretty good with the boys in there, but with KB's football practices, I don't have time to go. The boys complain about everything. They can't be happy with what they have got or what I do. I am only 1 person, and I can only do so much. I can't be 2 places at once. They are always wanting more and more. They are getting better than they were when Hubster left though. We are moving in the right direction, but it literally wears me out emotionally.

Today was sitter day for the girls. They both cried when I dropped them off. KG only cried for 5 minutes, and when I picked her up, she was telling me about how much fun she was had. She was all excited. BG though was asleep, and she clung to me when I picked her up. The guilt will start up and eat away at me. I went to the mall I used to work at. I hate that place, but I was supposed to meet somebody for lunch today. I called her at 11 like I was supposed to, and she never answered. I decided to go and see Couples Retreat instead. It was cute and funny. I did like it. I also didn't realize that AMC only charges $5 for a matinee. I will have to store that info away for future reference. I got out of the movie, and she still hadn't called. I decided that I would eat lunch by myself, and go and pick up the girls. This has been the way things have gone for me over the last 2 to 4 months. I have people tell me they are going to do this and that, and it never happens. I have plans made, and nobody shows up or they cancel. I don't get invited to go any where. I'm beginning to think there is something seriously wrong with me. Why does this happen to me? Am I that unlikeable? I wasn't shocked at all today by what happened. As a matter of fact, I even told Hubster earlier that this exact thing would happen. Even at supper tonight with Keith's football team, I sat in a corner by myself. I guess I look unapproachable, and I must have the personality of a toad.

We are supposed to go to a pumpkin patch and the zoo on Saturday. I'm thinking that I'm going to cancel. I'm not sure yet.

I think I need to get into a better mindset than the one that I am in. What I am feeling is my head playing with my emotions. I think part of my problem is that last deployment I had somebody that I called at least 1 time a week. I would sit in my bathroom at home and chat with her for a few hours on a Friday or Saturday night. Either I would call her, or she would call me. We always though checked in with each other. When I got some news on Friday that was a little unnerving, I didn't know who to call to talk to about it. I ended up calling AM, but she has so much on her plate right now. I feel bad for even bothering her.

Tomorrow is supposed to be Time out for Moms at church. I will play this one by ear in the morning.

The good thing is though, even with all of that going on in my head. I still feel 100% loved by Hubster. I was very lucky to find that man in a club across a room playing pool. Even then my heart sped up and went pitter patter, and to this day 12 years later, I still get the pitter patter and the butterflies. I know there are not many that can say that. He told me today that he loved me even though I was looney. Gosh, golley, gee whiz, I love that man.

I also know that these feelings will eventually disappear. They will disappear just as fast as they showed up because even though I have these feelings, I know part of the problem is actually me. I don't pick up the phone and call anybody. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at picking up the phone and calling people. I feel like I am intruding. Maybe I should work on that. Hmmmmm, something to ponder while I'm laying in bed tonight not able to sleep yet again. :)