I Wanted to Quit Tonight...

I know it was because I'm tired. 3 hours of sleep just doesn't cut it. Just as I had fallen asleep last night, BG woke up screaming. She was terrified, and it took me 30 minutes to calm her down and back in her bed.

Today was just one of those days that as it wore on, that things just kept piling on. It took TB 6 HOURS to finish his homework. That just wears me out. He had so much, and it was his fault. It wears on me.

Got to chat online with Hubster for about 45 minutes today. That is always nice. I think my new mantra is I'm ready to be done. It seems like that is all I say lately.

Going to have to see if my mom will watch all 4 kids for me the weekend of the 20th. I hope she will because I could use a break. I really could.

I Can't Sleep Tonight...

I think I'm going to have to break down and take something. I've tried a hot bath. I've tried reading. I've tried putting the computer away, but all I do is lay here and toss and turn. I'm restless tonight. My mind is racing, and I wish it would just stop.

KB has a big day tomorrow..well today. He goes for the local speech meet. I hope he does well. I've heard nothing but wonderful things about how well he is doing in it.

I got a note from TB's teacher today. It seems that he was very upset that he hasn't gotten a chance to talk to his Daddy lately. I didn't even realize it. I would have never known if it hadn't been for his teacher. His friend told Mrs. N. about how upset he was. Hubster said that he would call him very soon at school. They are wearing their battalion shirts to school. It is camo day, and they asked if they could wear those. My mom is going to wear mine because she wanted one to wear also. I'm wondering if Hubster is able to fly a flag on behalf of the school where he is at. He needs to let me know because otherwise, I will get somebody to do it where I know it can happen.

I guess I'm going to have to call the dentist tomorrow and make an appointment. I need to have a tooth pulled. The filling fell out a few months ago. Plus I need a little bit of dental work. That along with the motor mount needing to be fixed, the door on the van needing to be fixed, the horn needing to be fixed, registration needing to be done this month on the van, and the van inspected, it looks like February is going to be my month of bills. I hope and pray that nothing else goes wrong. Please nothing else go wrong.

I started doing our taxes tonight. I have all but one W2 form from Hubster's civilian job and my 1099 from my contracting work. I was sick when I saw how much our income dropped from the previous year. Our income dropped nearly $30,000. Yes, that was 4 zeros after the 3. The only thing that makes it a little better is knowing that we are still okay with losing that amount of money, and that we are pretty much debt free. I hope to see that W2 and 1099 soon. I do NOT want to have to contact Hubster's job. I don't care for them at all, and they certainly don't like me.

Hubster and I were discussing today, well discussing as best you can by chatting online, what he was going to do when he got back. We need to have some sort of a plan in place. I HATE not having any idea what is going to happen. It drives me nuts, and I worry about it. Yes, I know that it is in God's hand.

Our new music minister was introduced tonight at church. Not really impressed with the first night of music. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't Isaac. It was different from what Isaac does.

My aunt asked me tonight what we were going to do for KB's birthday, and I was telling her that I hadn't figured it out yet. I think we have decided that we are going to have his party and something for me on the 7th. I wish that Hubster was here. Oh how I wish he was here.

Pastor did a fabulous job tonight. Service was fantastic. It was all about being careful with what you say and love. It was so true. I've really been trying to watch what I say, and I've been trying hard to avoid any and all gossip. It isn't easy because that human side of you wants to know what is going on. I'm just really trying hard to be a better person.

Seabee Wife Day Out...

I had so much fun. I laughed, and I had a very good time. I met another wife today at Starbucks at what we discovered really was the half way point for us. After we finished our coffee, we went and got pedicures. We were laughing because we were talking about different colors of toe nail polish. I was wanting purple. She was wanting pink. We both ended up with red that ended up being nearly the exact same color. We met Rachel for lunch at Posada's. It was nice sitting there talking and chatting. I was telling them about wanting to take the kids somewhere during spring break, and they both were wanting to got to. I guess that means we are going to have a road trip come March, and then we are planning a trip to Shreveport in February. Just trying to get through these months as quickly as possible.

Today is KB's 10th birthday. I can't believe it has been 10 years since he was born. My mom called me while we were at lunch to ask me if I knew that Hubster had called KB at school to wish him a happy birthday. Hubster took the time, half a world away, to wish his child a happy birthday. That is a very special person. I teared up when I heard.

The girl's found their motorcycles yesterday, so the boys put them together after school. KG hasn't gotten off of hers all afternoon.

We are waiting on my dad to get here in order to take KB out for his birthday dinner. I'm not sure yet where we are going, but it is sounding like Ihop. I guess that was better than Denny's.

Oh Head of Mine....STOP POUNDING!

Oh how I wish that my head would quit hurting.

I made it to Sunday School and the late service today. I just couldn't get myself up this morning to make the early service. We had a change in our Sunday school teacher a few weeks ago, and I'm really loving him. He is doing an amazing job, and I really love the "feel" that our Sunday school class has right now. Our church bulletin had a thank you note in it that Hubster had sent. I teared up when I saw it. Then during the service the tears started, and I couldn't get them to stop. I was missing having my husband sitting there beside me.

I know of a couple of couples who are in the midst of splitting up, separated, thinking about going their separate ways, or divorcing. It just weighs on me. My heart hurts for them. I wish I could say something to make it better.

I was dressing BG this morning in a dress that was KG's last year. KG did not like the fact that BG was wearing her dress even though she couldn't wear it. It is too small on her.

Got to get ready for church tonight. Only 2 more days to KB's 10th birthday. He won't let me forget about it.

I Woke Up This Morning...

from a dream. The dream seemed so real. I dreamed that Hubster was home. Then I woke up to the cold reality that he isn't, and that he won't be for a while yet. That is not the way to wake up. I also woke up this morning with a terrible, terrible headache. I feel like my head is going to fall off. At this point, I kind of wish it would. That way I wouldn't have the pain that is radiating from it.

KB is going to the local speech meet next week for his school. He was so excited. If he does well there, he will go to district next. TB hasn't even said his Bible verse for the speech. His teacher is nice enough to let him change his Bible verse, and then say it on Monday. I wouldn't have done that for him. He has known about this for too long not to.

KG this morning woke up this morning and asked if she could holda the Prissy. I just love to hear her talk. It is so cute.

We have ice skating today. I promise to take lots of pictures and even video it. I made sure that the batteries were all charged.

Woo Hoo It's Friday...

On the verge of another week down. I'm so happy about that. I keep saying one step, one day, one week at a time and eventually we will be done. I'm actually beginning to feel like that maybe just maybe we are getting there.

We are having an ice skating party tomorrow for the Seabee kids. I hope the kids enjoy that. I'm pretty sure that I won't. The only thing that makes it worth while is that I get to see some other families. Even though I probably won't see much of them because the girls are too little to skate, so they will spend most of their time playing. We are planning on running to Sears tomorrow to get the kids some clothes. I guess that is what the rest of the Sears GC is going to go to. Oh joy, just what I wanted to spend it on.

Even though the girls are only 17 months and nearly 3, I have to laugh at their personalities. They fight so much more than the boys did at this age. BG yesterday balled up her fist and hit KG in the face just because. The fight was on. They were hitting and slapping each other, and their brothers just sat their and laughed. BG is such a vocal thing. She is bossy, and she doesn't mind telling you what she thinks. Yes, you can't understand every single word that the little person says, but you can understand enough of her gibberish to get the gist of what she is saying. The boys received their books that Hubster read to them on video yesterday from the USO. He looks good. The girls were glued to the screen watching him, and KG kept saying that she was talking to her Daddy. She misses him. She just kept touching the screen saying Daddy. BG was hollering it too. BG is crying right now because that KG took away her toy, and KG just told her to Hush, Honey. She keeps telling her to be quiet. Oh joy.

I'm waiting on the ceiling guy to arrive. They are finally going to fix our ceiling after nearly a month of it being broke. He should be here at any time. Now BG will not have any thing to yell at any more when she goes downstairs.

Going to make a list of things that are needed for the boys science projects for school. Then go and get the things on the 1st to make them. I want to have these done before the deadline this year instead of what happened last year. It is going to take TB 2 weeks for his project to be completed any way, so that needs to be started.

I officially started a countdown, and I'm going to make something for the kids to let them see how close we are to being done. I'm ready for this to be over, and for Hubster to be home. I really do miss him. He is asking his mom to come out to stay with the kids when he gets home for a few days so that I can meet him. Other wise, I doubt I will get to go to meet the plane. I hope she will. Oh boy, do I hope she will.

Disconnect...

I'm feeling a total disconnect from any thing and any one Seabee related. I don't have the desire to go to any thing to do with the Seabees. I don't want to know about any thing to do with the Seabees, and then when I do hear about it. I have an overwhelming sadness because of the fact I have no desire to be associated with it. Then I feel left out and that nobody cares because I don't hear from any body. I'm in a vicious cycle right now. It is actually a very sad and a very lonely life right now.
This also applies to other avenues of my life right now. This is what I was feeling when the desire to not go to church started up. I can feel that slowly seeping back into my life. So, I guess it is time to fight it with every fiber of my being.
KB got 3 conduct reports yesterday for not turning in work. The thing is that one of those he should have NEVER gotten. I signed that form and put it in his logbook last week, and I sent her a note telling his teacher that too. All she had to do was look at it. I will be so happy when he is out of 4th grade. His teacher was TB's teacher last year, and we had the exact same thing going on. The other 2 from yesterday, I don't understand why he was got them. He said that he accidentally left 1 spelling word off, so she gave him a conduct report. Then he didn't do a section of his math homework.
TB has to say 10 Bible verses for a grade today. I have already warned him that for each point that is below a 70 is one day that I get his DSi and no Wii. He has known about it for nearly 2 months, and he decided last night that he needs to study for it. Momma doesn't play that game. I was not very happy.
Church was good last night. Again though, I was feeling very disconnected. I'm pretty good about hiding it. Not many people will know how disconnected I am. I keep telling myself one day at a time and one step at a time, and that I will get through this. Now though I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through with my sanity still in tact. LOL.

It is Wednesday, but this post is really about Tuesday...

I was just wanting to go to bed last night, so I didn't post any thing. Thought I would do it this morning before we got good and going.

Yesterday was my Seabee Wife Day Out, and I went to Time Out for Mom that our church does every 3rd Tuesday in the month. This month it was tea at our pastor's house that his wife hosted. It is always such a good time. I really enjoyed it. I love their house. It is beautiful, and it is decorated so pretty. His wife is a sweet heart, and I wish I had 1/10 of her decorating ability.

After that I went to Sears to see what they had. I have nearly a $100 left on my last gift card, so i wanted to see what they had. They were having a huge sale on their clearance, and I walked around with the clothes for a good 15 minutes. I ended up putting every thing back. I did find this dress that I liked for KG for Easter. The only thing about it I didn't like was it was a little too pink. It was the first place that I actually looked at though for Easter dresses.

I was so proud of the boys. They passed every single one of their tests last week including spelling. TB had a good progress report for the week. He had 80s and 90s in every thing except for Science. He can bring that grade up though. I have no doubt of that. They have still been listening and doing what they have been told with a few exceptions. Really pretty proud of them. They are ready for the Daddy to be home. They keep asking me how much longer, and I keep telling them, I have no idea.

BG yesterday was playing in the dishwasher while Grandma was trying to load it. Grandma told her to stop it, and she stuck her tongue out at Grandma and spit. Oh boy, that little girl is something else. KG is wearing her panties this morning. She wanted to put them on. I'm hoping that is a good sign, and maybe, just maybe, we will be potty trained very soon.

MLK Day...

That means no school for the boys. I woke up this morning planning on taking them to see The Spy Next Door and to go to the park, but my aunt called and wanted to know if we would like to come over. They have nearly 2 acres of land, and about 1/2 an acre is woody. The boys love to hike there, so we took a vote. They decided they would rather go see their aunt and uncle. The day was beautiful if a little windy, but I didn't want to have to spend any time indoors today. With as cold as it has been, it was nice to be outside. They grilled burgers for us, and then my aunt and I took my van to the car wash. It needed to be cleaned. The kids are all tired, and I'm hoping that means that they will be in bed early. Tomorrow is my Seabee Wife Day Out. Going to a Time out For Mom tea at the pastor's house. It should be fun.
I got lots of pictures today of the kids and even some video. I didn't realize that the battery on the video camera was dead. Dang it. I need to get it downloaded and onto a dvd in order to send it to Hubster in his care package.
Nothing else much going on here. It was a good day. I really enjoyed myself. It was nice to be outside and playing with the kids. Hoping that tomorrow is going to be just as good.

This is What I know...

Not much. No really, I don't know all that much. You can ask my boys. They will even tell you that. You know how it is. You have kids, and then you start losing IQ points and common sense with each of them. By the time that you have 4 like me, you are an idiot or a raving lunatic. Your choice.
My dad fixed my toilet last night. Seems somebody put a make up brush down the toilet, and that was what was clogging it up. Thankfully we didn't have to call a plumber to come and fix it. Still have a great big huge 8 foot hole in the ceiling. One of these days the lady that owns the house will fix it.
My mom informed me yesterday that if we, my husband and the kids and me, ever move out of the area we live in, that they are planning on moving to New Mexico. Sounds like a good idea to me. They love New Mexico.
Tonight at church was the annual state of the church address. I must say that our church is really growing. We have a special Military Outreach that Hubsters is a part of, but I'm not. Tonight while Pastor was talking, he mentioned all that the military outreach is going to be doing over the next year. He was saying how much that we as a church need to support the military and their families. Hubster and I were mentioned during the address. It brought tears to my eyes.
The boys are out of school tomorrow. They are wanting to go see the new Jackie Chan movie. It is supposed to be gorgeous this week, so I might take them to that. Then take the kids to the park later on. I will have to crunch numbers tomorrow and see what my budget is looking like.
My door handle broke on the driver's side door. You can only open the door from the outside. I'm hoping it won't cost a whole lot to fix it. Praying it won't cost a whole lot to fix that or my horn. The horn has to be fixed before it will pass inspection which is coming due in February. I know that will have to be budgeted in to next month's budget.
I think I might try and convince Hubster that we need to go on a cruise either in October or maybe even February of next year. I guess a lot of it will depend on what he is actually doing. I hate not knowing what the future holds, but the thing is that God knows what our future holds.
We have lots of changes happening with the ministers at church. ID is no longer our Music director. He is now the pastor of the Young marrieds. He should be amazing in that capacity along with his wife. (Hubster, she is wanting to know if you have gotten your dvds or not.) Then we have a new Music director coming in, and RH is stepping down. He has a lot on his plate with taking care of his parents. Lots of what I think will be exciting changes.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference over the last 3 years in our marriage. When he was deployed last time, I was concerned about him finding somebody else. This time, that doesn't concern me one little bit. I know without a doubt that my husband loves me with every thing that he has, and that he wouldn't do any thing to hurt us. That love is returned to him ten fold. The best thing that he can give me is knowing that all of our bills are paid off. I never dreamed that I would one day be able to say that. It is the best feeling in the world.

Choke...Gag...

I hate grocery shopping for 7 people. Went up to the commissary today, and I spent $275. I did get some rib eyes for $3.66 a pound. I can't wait to eat those. I really hate dropping that kind of money though. We have started eating at home more often than we were. We only eat out maybe 1 at the most 2 times a week.
I fixed the kids chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. They all devoured them. I guess they liked them. I had my phone downstairs with me. I happened to look down and I noticed that Hubster was online. He had already been online for 10 minutes. They only get about 20 minutes each. I started tearing up because I knew that it meant that I wouldn't get to chat with him very long, and I was mad at myself. He told me he would try and get back online later in the day. He didn't, but he ended up calling me instead. I got to talk to him for 13 minutes. Yes, I look at my phone to see how long I get to talk to him.
I ordered Hubster cross trainers from Sears yesterday. He should have them hopefully by the 23rd. He was laughing at me though because I ordered him a 10.5 instead of a 10. I have no idea where that size even came from.
Going to try and get together this week with another wife. This week might not be doable, but I'm sure that next week will. Then next Friday or Saturday, I think FD and I are going to the movies.
The medicine that the doctor has me on makes me feel nutty. I was kind of enjoying the mellow me. After 5 days on the hormones, I can tell a difference in my moods. The mood swings are major. I'm also much more emotional. I guess we will see what happens with that when I talk to her in a couple of weeks.
Going to try and make the 830 service and Sunday school in the morning. I need to get to bed because 630 comes early.

It is Friday!

I was sitting here today when I realized that Hubster has been gone for over 200 days. Wow, in a way it seems like he has been gone forever, and then another way it seems like he left just yesterday.
The Navy released a statement yesterday about the extensions, and that from here on out that deployments for reservists will be 11 months. 3 months of training before they leave US soil and 8 months in country. They have already been told of when the next deployment should occur, but I don't think that is going to make much of a difference to us. Seems like Hubster is planning on staying active duty if he can. It doesn't matter much to me. I have pretty much zero support here. It has been disheartening.
BG today was running around with panties on top of her head. I was trying to get a picture of her, but she wouldn't stay still long enough for me too. I was cracking up laughing at her. Her and her sister were better today. They weren't near as whiny as they have been. The boys both had great days at school. TB said that his teacher told him that nobody made below an A on a history test. GO TB! KB made it a full week without 1 single conduct report. Very proud of that. They both listened pretty well this week. Now, I need to find some wood to knock on. I don't want to jinx us.
My niece, who is a senior, is taking FFA. For those of you who have no idea what that is, that stands for Future Farmers of America. She had to show 4 pigs today in the stock show in the little town that they live in. One of her hogs got reserved grand champion, but what cracked me up was that her and the Ag teacher got in an argument when she was showing the pig. She lost her pig, and the judge had to show tell her where her pig was. It really cracks me up because I know how A is. She is so much like her mom with just enough of her dad kicked in to make things fun. The oldest nephew is getting his jail certification, so he got to get pepper sprayed today. He said that was loads and loads of fun.

Count to 10

Slowly....Deep breath....Count to 10 again....Deep Breath....Count to 10 again...

Oh the girls have tried my patience today. They are whiny. They have wanted to be held, usually both at the same time. Which truthfully is really hard. I don't have enough lap to hold them.
I'm at that point again. I need a break. I want to just sit and talk to another adult that is going through this. At this point, I would just like to talk to another adult that is not my parent. Add that to what ever it is that my body is doing, and I'm just fed up. My body has gone haywire, so now I got to have a bunch of blood work done yesterday to see if they could figure out what is going on.
I'm really just tired I guess. I want it be over. I want to just pick up a phone and call my husband whenever I feel like it. I want to look in his eyes and feel his arms wrapped around me. I want to smell him and hold his hand. I can't wait to finally see him.
The boys have actually been surprisingly good this week. Not a single conduct report has been sent home for KB. TB has done what he has been told. He has done his homework with minimum fuss from me. It has been a breath of fresh air this week. I really needed it with the fact the girls have been sick.
I think of how lucky that I truly am. I know what is going on with a few other families, and I am a truly blessed by God. I'm thankful every day for my family, and the wonderful husband that I have.
I keep telling myself, One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, we are getting through this deployment. I'm just ready for it to be over, but at least we are on the downhill side.

I can't believe I haven't posted since Thursday...

Time has gotten away from me is my only excuse. That and sick kids have kept me so busy. Today though I'm tired physically and mentally. KG has not been sleeping at night because she has been sick. Her and her sister are wanting to be held constantly. There is not enough me to go around. I just want a little break. Just a few hours to recharge where I don't have to worry about any thing or any one.
This is short tonight because I'm tired and my head hurts. I've got lots on my mind, and I need to figure some things out.

Brrrrrr....

It's cold outside. Good thing I like cold weather.

Not having my laptop means I don't blog as much. I'm hoping to be able to get it fixed sometime in February. I won't have the money until then. We are paying off a credit card this month, and as long as I have a computer to work on there is no reason to not go ahead with our plan. What is sad is the credit card was from when Hubster was in the predeployment stages in GP. It was what he didn't get reimburesed for from the Navy. The thing is though that it will be taken care of, and the only bill I will have left will be one teeny tiny payment on my credit card. Nothing will feel as good as knowing that we will have not one dime of credit cards owed, and that our van will only have 6 more months of payments. I'm thinking I will get those knocked out though by March. As much as I might want a new tv or a new wedding ring, I would not trade the feeling of knowing that I don't have to work in order to pay off bills. The bills will be paid off. That is a wonderful feeling to have. I paid cash for all of our Christmas. I didn't have to go into debt for that.

I had my Seabee Wife Day out on Tuesday. I went and got my hair color redone. It is now more brown with a reddish tint with blond highlights in it. I reallly like it. I think though that next time I might ask for a little bit more red tint. It does look good though. After I was done, I went to the movies and saw Did You Hear about the Morgans? It was cute. I didn't feel like I wasted my money on it. I was going to see It's Complicated, but the movie start time was just too late for me.

I have no idea what is going on with KB and his grades. RIght now though they stink. He made a 38 on his history test. That got him grounded from the Wii. He at least "found" his Ipod. Amazing how it turned back up at his friend's house when I started taking his money away. I really think he "gave" it to T, but he kept telling me that he lost it. I don't believe half the stuff he tells me.

Got to talk to Hubster yesterday on the phone. He said he didn't have access to a computer yesterday, so he called instead. KG got to talk to daddy, and she told Grandma last night that she talked to Hubster. She called him by his name, and then she laughed.

Other than that, it has been very quiet around our household. Just waiting to hear when the insurance adjuster is going to be here to look at the hole in the ceiling.

9 minutes 23 seconds

That is how long I got to talk to him on the phone today. It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had talked to him. Didn't even get to chat online with him for very long. Trying to stay positive. At least I got to talk to him.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done. I'm not sure what I want done though. Think I will leave it up to Jennifer to figure it out.

What a Way to begin a New Week...

Church tonight was awesome. The pastor that was preaching the final night of our Bible conference said something tonight that struck me. No where in the Bible does it say that God will not give you more than you can bear. As a matter of fact, 2 Corinthians 1: 8 -9, are perfect examples of God doing just the opposite. He was saying that God might give you more than you can bear, BUT NEVER more than HE can bear. All you have to do is lay your burdens at God's feet and leave them there. There have been days during this deployment that I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. I have no where else to turn. I have no where else to go. I've been really trying to do this on my own. I don't have to do this on my own. I can lay my burdens at God's feet. I can ask for help. It is okay for me to ask for help. Talk about a "wow" moment.

This week has changed me some. I've always had my faith, but I feel like I have grown over the last couple of days. I don't know how to describe it. I feel closer to Him. I feel comforted. Even in the despair of New Year's Eve, I think that was Satan really attacking me. Trying to get at me with what he knew was one of my biggest weaknesses. The thing is though, that I prayed my way through that. I just kept praying over and over for a peace from God to envelope me, and eventually that peace did come. I have a new hunger to learn every thing I can and to share the good news of salvation. I felt like the Bible conference was aimed directly at me.

In other news, the boys start back to school tomorrow. I'm so happy about that. Woo Hoo! I'm so very excited. The girls are doing fantastic. I laugh at KG. I can put her in her pjs and as soon as I tell her time to go night, night she strips down to her diaper. I don't know if I will ever get her to wear clothes to bed. BG has a horrible cough. I'm hoping that it isn't any thing serious.

Haven't heard from Hubster since Friday. Not to worried about him, I know that he is busy. Still miss hearing though from him that he is fine. I'm guessing he has forgotten how to email, since I know he was online today. He just didn't bother to let me know how he was doing. Guess I'm not important enough. Yes, I know he reads this, and I hope he feels bad. It didn't exactly make me feel all that great knowing that he could take the time to reply to his cousin on FB, but couldn't take the time to send his wife an email.

Happy New Years!

I certainly didn't ring in the new year like I had wanted. I would prefer to ring it with Hubster. Instead I rang it in with a full blown panic attack. It had been a while since I had one. I think it was just a combination of things all coming together at once to cause it.

Tonight was the next to last night of our Bible confernce that we have at church to start off the New Year. It was amazing. Probably one of the best one's that I have been to. I love going to church, and this year I'm going to resolve to make sure that I get to Sunday School. I've been missing it, but that is coming to and end. I'm going to get back into the swing of things on that front.

I took the kids today to see The Princess and the Frog. I LOVED it. It was old school with the characters singing, and the animation being hand drawn. I can't wait to see it again. I went to the movies with another Seabee wife and 2 of her girls. The boys were trying to play it off that they were too cool for the girlie movie, but they were engrossed in it during the movie. They didn't hardly budge.

I did finally hear from Hubster this morning after a very uneasy night of not sleeping. I can now rest knowing that he is okay. He told me that he couldn't contact me till Sunday, so at least I won't be as worried about him and wondering why no contact.